Hello and welcome to the 2 hours ABC robbed my eyeballs of so they could sell ads. (Don’t tell me I’m not doing anything for this economy!) Yes, “The Biggest Bachelorette Reunion in Bachelor History Ever!” was epic… but not in the way one would’ve hoped. It’s true that the producers did gather 12 of the 14 former Bachelorette leads together (missing were Jen Scheftt and Meredith Phillips), but what’s also true is that this “reunion” represented approximately 10 minutes of the show, leaving the other 110 minutes to agonizing moments like “watching super fans ride a bus,” and “let’s bring back Nick Viall for a pointless exercise in faux speed dating.” There was so much filler in last night’s show, they should’ve renamed it “Restylane.” Pour yourself a mug of Sleepytime Tea – your recap starts now!
It’s time to catch up with the Eyelash Extension Sorority – aka former Bachelorettecontestants who’ve won our hearts over the years. But first, let’s delve into some endless recaps. Like “The Best Moments in Bachelor History,” because sure – let’s kick off this lady fest with the man’s perspective. Makes perfect sense to me! There are helicopter rides, stress tests, athletic feats of endurance, hot tubs, and – of course – bikinis galore. This is where feminism comes to die.
But – woot woot – how jealous am I of the super fans who are getting a private bus tour of Bachelorhot spots, hosted by none other than Chris Harrison himself? The answer is extremely. If I’d chosen to give birth, I’d be selling my firstborn for a seat on that bus because that is the push and pull of this damn show. I love it, and I hate myself for it – a zone I am comfortable with. It is this hypocrisy that makes me great.
Did you want to see the twin office buildings that Ali Fedotowsky and Roberto Martinez tightrope walked between as they shared their first kiss? Or perhaps the high rise where Sean Lowe and Sarah Herron did their death-defying free fall? They’re all here and Chris Harrison will show you as the L.A. sun ravages your face on this motorized extravaganza.
How about hearing from a few former Bacheloretteleads while we wait for the bus to arrive at its next destination? What the heck. Ali chimes in to let us know she’s happily married (to radio host Kevin Manno), has two children, and “the greatest role of her life” is being a mom. Give this woman an Oscar!
We also hear from “controversial” Bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristowe – controversial because of her daring show of sexuality, which resulted in a serious backlash of slut shaming – who has since split from Shawn Booth and has recently moved on with Becca Kufrin castoff Jason Tartick. Kaitlyn also shared that she’s releasing a scrunchie line, as well as her own wine label. This bish is brilliant. However, I am going on record to say that Jason is her rebound romance and not The One. That is all.
DeAnna Pappas is happy she found love in a circuitous route, skipping over Brad Womack and Jason Mesnick in favor of now-hubby Stephen Stagliano. Enjoy that path less taken, girl!
Jillian Harris looks adorable, albeit unrecognizable from her stint as the love lead. The Love It or List It Vancouver host is happily married, highly successful, and twirling on the hater that once told her she had a “hot dog nose.”
Now back to the blistering open-air bus, where Neil Lane makes a brief appearance to talk all things diamonds with Chris Harrison and his screaming charges. One fan claims to have wept when Neil appeared, and it’s probably because he showed up without his usual suitcase full of gems. Talk about false advertising!
Hey, would you like some more extended footage of the past? Well, friends – you are in luck because the next 20 minutes are dedicated to “Firsts.” We hear from LaNease, who shared the first-ever kiss on the Bachelorwith Alex Michael, and she is just as adorable as ever. She says she wasn’t aware she was “making history,” but had a great time doing it. But wait, there’s more! Including: First wrong name said, First hot tub (Season 1, in 2002), First skinny dip (that would be Courtney Robertson, ‘natch), First “Man Cry,” First “Man Sob,” First person to bro-shame Chris Harrison (uh, Chad and his infamous mimosa diss), First person escorted out by Paulie the Bouncer, First animal costumes (a pig and a dolphin/shark), First dunk, First “murder” of a stuffed animal, First person to confide in an animal, First person to be on the show 6 times & subsequently retire from the franchise, First to say “I love you” to two people (hello, Ben!), and, of course, the First wedding (Trista and Ryan).
Heeeeey, how about SOME MORE RECAPS? Would you like that? Because friend, you are going to get them. (Again, not sure why this special was billed as a reunion?) One thing I love to talk about when watching a televised program that’s supposed to be focusing on women is men, so let’s spend the next several minutes focusing on the worst of them, shall we? Here we have the “Bad Boy Recap: Where Are They Now?” (Not in hell, as one would hope.) Some “notables” include: Jordan, Chad, Daniel, Clint, Ian, and Bentley.
We get an extended cameo from Wes, who bragged about making it to the Top Four while hiding a girlfriend back home, and whose main goal in life was to become a country singer. He’s still singing – albeit a different tune. (Insert your own “whomp whomp” here. And karma did come for Wes, as homeboy looks seriously bedraggled.) On the upside, he found Jesus, and apparently the son of God is living in Austin, Texas, so now you know.
Justin “Rated-R” is now a bartender, hankering for the glory days. Kalon still has absolutely no fucks to give about calling Emily Maynard’s child “baggage.” And David has redeemed himself by crying on camera next to his mainly silent wife. I have learned so much! (Seriously, this is a slog. Are they trying to make me lose interest before the season has even started? I am worried.)
Here is some happy news – Rachel Lindsay and Brian Abasolo are getting married in August! (Though I will never understand how she walked away from Peter Kraus in favor of the apple-cheeked Abasolo, I still wish these two the best.) Of course, they visit Neil Lane to choose their wedding bands because this episode is hellbent on shoving advertising down our throats from every angle. Their rings are pretty, and I hope their wedding is televised because you know I will watch that shit regardless of my many complaints.
Rachel also has a bachelorette party (appropriate!) with her “closest friends,” who happen to be the other Bachelorette alums (convenient!). She is gifted with a variety of racy lingerie, and man – I need to step up my game. I don’t think I’ve ever seen this much lace in my life.
We are edging towards the moment we’ve all been waiting for, as the bus has arrived at its final destination – the legendary mansion where the franchise is filmed. There is more screaming and crying because this is the state of television these days. After the lucky fans tear through the estate, they are reassembled for the goddamn Bachelorettereunion we were promised an hour and a half ago. The twelve women are paraded out one by one and are then creepily forced to bow to the “godmother of them all,” OG Bachelorette Trista Sutter. (As far as I know, she didn’t do anything other than get picked for the show first. It’s not like she invented the idea. But there are skewed hierarchies everywhere, and here is a fine example of one.)
Now things finally get interesting. It is hard-earned and I’m here for every second as the alums sit down to dish. Some of the reveals include:
- Rachel “passed out” in the Fantasy Suite with Nick Viall and claims that’s where she “got her best night’s sleep.” (Rachel slays the shade, along with everything else.)
- The gals think of themselves as a sisterhood and jokingly refer to themselves as “sister wives.”
- JoJo projectile-vomited after her first Rose Ceremony due to exhaustion. (I’m still not sure why that needed to be shared. Is the bloom off the rose (pun intended) with Jordan? Because there surely have to be better tidbits from her time on the show.)
- Emily Maynard thinks her season had “the best guys.” Are we counting “Jef with one f” amongst this stellar cadre of men?
- Kaitlyn shares she “asked for Becca’s permission” before moving ahead with Jason Tartick because she’s “a classy lady.” (That’s sweet, but also like Becca could give one fuck about Jason.)
- They go down the rabbit hole of trying to piece together the men they’ve shared between them (now we’re talking!), including Becca giving a shout-out to Emily for their Arie Eskimo Sister connection (which, hilariously, barely seems to register with Emily and still seems to sting Becca).
HELLO, ABC – PLEASE GIVE ME MORE HOURS OF WOMEN CHATTING ABOUT THE PENISES THEY HAVE SHARED. I am serious. This 5-minute segment made my life worth living.
I could really use more dong talk, but the “reunion” has come to a close. With the remaining 10 minutes, Chris Harrison visits Hannah in Alabama where he meets her mother, ransacks her bedroom, steals a VCR tape, and gapes at a giant ham in a greasy spoon diner. Hannah also manages to slip in a mention of church and the fact that she was Homecoming Queen. I will rant at another time about my disgust with the franchise for continuing to cleave to their comfort zone while eschewing diversity. But let’s just say “Roll Tide” has already worn out its welcome and the season hasn’t even aired yet.
The final moments have Hannah and Chris trapped in a car, with Hannah asking Chris to reveal his favorite ice cream flavor. Honey Lavender (hers) and Cookies & Cream (his, reluctantly) are the choices, and you can literally see the moment Chris’s soul dies. How will we get through the next several months? Let’s find out together! It all kicks off next week, Monday, May 13th. See you soon, rose lovers!
Holy crap, if this is the opening bid to entice us for the season, what in the hell are we in for? Hannah “The Beast” Brown is certainly cute enough and I have nothing against her, but awkwardness is not a personality trait that’s going to burn up the ratings, nor is it a brave choice for the franchise.
Join me for live-tweets of the show at JennaZine1 and check back here for episode recaps every week! [This post originally appeared on MovieBoozer.com – please check out this fabulous website for more reviews and recaps.]