Hello! Were you tuning in to watch The Bachelorette? Well, I’m sorry to inform you that the show has been renamed. It is now called All About Luke, And Only Luke. Yes, as we careen into Week 7, Luke continues his attempt to put us all in gaslighting purgatory. Meanwhile, Jed goes full Say Anything, and not one single man can stay in their lane. Tyler emerges as the feminist hero the franchise desperately needs, but it’s Peter who gets straddled in a sauna. Strap on your bungee cord, it’s time to leap into the unknown with your MovieBoozer recap!
The mystery of last week’s recap hell has been solved! Culprit: Greed. Perpetrator: co-conspirators ABC and The Bachelorette producers. It turns out our favorite summer soap, Bachelor in Paradise, is starting later (mark your calendar for Aug 5th!) so ABC offered an extra week to The Bachelorette. What to do when you’ve already filmed your season, but are offered more space in a lucrative timeslot? Painfully eke out a fake episode full of bullshit and feed it to your willing (albeit frustrated) audience. Soylent Green is people!
Now, onto the episode with actual content. The crew is still in Riga, Latvia and there are nine men left. (Make that eight men, and the raging asshole that is Luke.) A Date Card arrives. It says, “Can I trust our love?” It’s a coveted one-on-one and it is for Garrett. Of course, this makes Luke jealous. According to him, this is “the first time” he’s been jealous. So… the other times were what? Luke being laidback? A terrifying thought, for sure.
But let’s take a moment to enjoy Garrett in the limelight. He says, “I’ve got some strong feelings for the girl. It doesn’t matter what we do, as long as Hannah is along for the ride.” Um, newsflash – you are the one who’s along for the ride, as Hannah is the star of the show and you are a bit player. Just thought I’d take a moment to clarify.
Hey, guess what’s an ancient tradition, both in Latvia and The Bachelor franchise? Yes, it’s time for the fear factor portion of the competition – bungee jumping! (If Garrett had watched this show at all, he’d know he’s on the chopping block – the person chosen for the death-defying leap is rarely the one the lead leaves with. I think Rachel Lindsay might be the only one to buck the trend with soon-to-be husband Bryan Abasolo?) Anyway, Hannah and Garrett are strolling hand-in-hand by a riverbank when suddenly a cable car comes to a stop above them and a naked couple comes tumbling out of the sky. When the couple is unhooked, they inform Hannah and Garrett that this is the thing to do in Latvia! The already pale lead and her beau realize what’s ahead for them – neither are thrilled.
But forcing people to leap from the highest of heights is something that apparently gets the producers off, so Hannah and Garrett are strapped together and shoved from the cable car. Garrett attempts to remain calm, while Hannah openly weeps. Is it because she might die, or is it because of Garrett’s prominent back acne? Both? Regardless, they take the plunge.
Safely on the other side, the two are full of laughter as they take in champagne under a bridge. Seriously, it looks like a fancy hobo date and I can only assume this is the work of a Matt Foley fan. At any rate, they chat about how much closer they feel. Many puns are made about leaping. Hannah is still in shock about seeing the Latvian man’s goods. Also, Garrett touched her butt while they were plunging head first towards the water. An intern throws a white bra (meant to be Hannah’s, even though we all know she wasn’t really naked) into the water and it flutters away in the current. Pretty weak sauce, but still a million times better than last week, so I’ll take it.
The evening portion of the date has arrived! Apparently, Hannah raided some sassy grandma’s closet, for she’s swathed in fake pearls and a hilarious pink stole. Did someone buyout the online sales rack at Stella & Dot? I am baffled. Bizarre styling aside, it is time to get to know Garrett. Does he have hidden depths? It turns out, no – he does not. (Is anyone surprised?) When it comes time to tell what his greatest challenge in life has been to date, he reveals that he comes from a “bigtime football family,” but he realized he hated football and that’s what lead him to choosing golf. It’s amazing he’s survived the pain! The tenacity of the human spirit, I tell ya.
They both complement each other on being vulnerable today – physically and emotionally. Garrett says he’s “falling in love for Hannah.” Yes, you read that correctly – that’s “for.” Not “with.” Twitter is equally baffled. Hannah claims “Garret feels like home.” (White and privileged?) He secures the date rose.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, yet another Date Card arrives. It says, “Let’s discover Riga,” and it’s for: Mike, Jed, Tyler, Dustin, Luke, Connor, and Dylan. (That means Peter is up for the next one-on-one.) Of course, there is drama – thankfully it’s contained to a takeaway interview with Luke where he complains about Hannah being “naked” with Garrett. (Garrett dished about their date and claimed they were fully nude for the bungee jump.) But we’ll get to more of that later. For now, let’s enjoy Hannah’s “normal” date with 7 men.
They hit up the Riga marketplace, which looks like a delightful way to spend the day. They do moonshine shots. They taste cheese. Hannah deep throats a pickle. Tyler slips away to buy her a bouquet. Everyone is getting along (aka tolerating Luke). Then, oddly, they take a break from the merriment for a prayer circle in a church. That’s one way to put the brakes on!
In another off-camera moment, Luke reiterates his jealousy, saying, “Hannah’s body is her temple. And to expose that to anyone who isn’t her husband? I am shocked.” He declares he’s going to “have to” say something to Hannah about her agency over her own physical form. I am so over this guy and his toxic garbage.
It’s the evening portion of the group date and Hannah is glowing. She says, “Today was a breath of fresh air. I am so proud of you guys; you set your differences aside and it felt really good. Thank you for helping me feel hopeful. Here’s to romance in Riga.” It’s sad that Luke has ground her down so much that having a normal day where men are respectful of her feels like a huge victory. This should be the expected baseline, not the prize.
Speaking of respectful, it’s Tyler who asks to grab her first and that is how you kick off a date, my friends! Tyler reminisces about the time Hannah walked into the cocktail party wearing all white, claiming she “looked like an angel” and that he hopes she’s his angel as well. He also says, “You’re a fighter, and that’s what I want. I adore you.” Twitter collectively swoons.
Next, she’s with Jed, who tickles the ivories in hopes of impressing “his gal.” Plunk on that piano all you want Jed, because nothing is going to save you from the woman you scorned back home. Yep – rumor has it that Jed has a girlfriend stashed back in Nashville, and she’s none too happy with this very public turn of events. Were they in cahoots to reap the benefits of his rising profile? (Jed’s alleged sweetheart, Haley Stevens, is also a struggling Nashville musician. Ah, how convenient!) Was she left in the dust in favor Hannah Brown? Or was he single before coming on the show and this is no big deal? Stay tuned!
Heave a giant sigh – it’s time for more Luke. He takes Hannah aside to tell her that her body is a temple and that he’s pissed off Garrett held her “bare skinned.” Hannah tells him none of this was in a sexual way (in other news, sounds like we’ll be saying goodbye to Garrett soon), and that it’s an experience she wanted to have for herself. Are you surprised to learn none of that matters to Luke? He claims what Hannah did (that’s absolutely none of his business) is a slap in the face.
He starts to backpedal when she (rightfully) defends herself. Not wanting to chance getting into hot water before another Rose Ceremony, he offers words of “comfort” as only Luke can. He says, “I’m looking for you to meet my family soon. It felt like a slap in the face; but I’m going to support you, no matter what you do. Even if you make a boneheaded mistake, something out of your character, and do something that’s wrong. I’m going to make it right.” I really can’t parse the many obvious things that are horrific about Luke without having a rage stroke. Tyler gets the Date Rose. Luke continues to be utter garbage.
Time for a Latvian spa day! Let’s get some romance back up in this bish with the one-on-one between Hannah and Peter the Pilot. They are led through a ritual called Pirts, which the spa owner claims, “will help them be sacred with each other” and will also help Hannah “recognize true love.” (That’s interesting – I didn’t know Tyler would be showing up on this date. Ha-ha)
While the ceremony was lovely, albeit a tad awkward, it’s not long before Hannah and Peter are on to what they’re really there to do – get hot and heavy in the sauna! There is straddling, groping, and well, you don’t need me to tell you what two adults do when left unsupervised in front of a camera crew and a national audience. Peter’s a frontrunner, of that we are sure!
The evening portion leaves Hannah questioning if there is substance behind the chemistry. Let’s find out! Hannah reveals she’s always been a spitfire, and Peter claims to love her strength. We also learn that Peter had a serious girlfriend, but it didn’t work out because of his job. But never fear, he feels strongly now and he’s not afraid. Hannah is thrilled – she needed him to be vulnerable, and he is. (Is he really though? There’s still not that much information to go off of. Also, along the way, Hannah reveals that she’s been engaged twice. I feel like this is the first we’re hearing of this?)
It’s no surprise – Hannah feels confident she’s bridged the gap between their sexual chemistry and emotional intimacy. (Man, this girl is setting some low bars.) There is the requisite fireworks display, words of love offered, and one Date Rose received. End scene.
But, wait – there’s more! Jed slips away to serenade Hannah, Say Anything style. She invites him up for a makeout session – he reciprocates with more songs. Hannah better get super comfortable with that guitar, as it looks like that’s yet another love triangle Jed has to offer…
There’s another confrontation between Luke and Garrett. I will not bore you with the excruciating details. Both the guys labor endlessly over trying to get the other one to understand his point by making racecar analogies. Let’s pull them both over for emotional DUIs!
There is nervous excitement for the Cocktail Party, but guess what? There isn’t going to be one, thanks (yet again) to Luke. Hannah asked to speak with Luke before the party could commence to confront him about their earlier conversation, letting him know things weren’t sitting well with her. (Um, ya think?!) It’s more of what we’ve seen from the Luke Monster – he tries to guilt and shame her, gets called out on it, backtracks, gaslights, goes in for more abuse. Rinse and repeat. How she is keeping him on the show is truly a mystery – and a very scary one at that.
There’s more infighting, with Tyler calling out Luke for his gross double standards. Luke tries to blame Garrett for his talk with Hannah. (Huh?) Chris Harrison enters and delivers the “no Cocktail Party” news. Sweet (but doomed) Devin notes, “Luke is taking away everyone’s ability to get to know her.”
Speaking of, we’re now at the circumvented Rose Ceremony! A reminder that Garrett, Tyler, and Peter all have flowers. Staying on are: Jed, Mike (smiles for miles!), Connor, and… Luke. What in the actual fuck, Hannah? That means we are saying goodbye to Devin and Dustin.
In a brief takeaway, we see Chris Harrison ask Hannah the question we are all dying to know, which is, “What do you see in Luke?” Hannah doesn’t offer any clues, but says, “Either I’m falling in love with Luke, or he’s making me crazy.” It is clearly the latter.
The men struggle with the fact that Luke is still hanging on, and they are not alone in their bafflement. The group heads to the Netherlands, where there will be more groping. Luke continues to derail the broadcast. Meanwhile the remaining contestants lean on each other to ensure cooler heads prevail. Also, Jed keeps strumming while his guitar gently weeps. All of this and more, next week. See you soon, Rose Lovers!
Be sure to join me for live-tweets during the show at JennaZine1 and check back here for episode recaps! This post originally appeared on MovieBoozer.com – please check them out for all things fab with film and more.