It’s only Episode 3, but things are already coming to a boil on The Bachelorette! Hannah Brown comes out swinging, delivering sick burns to some unworthy suitors. There’s an animal photoshoot. And, oh yeah, the men are there too. Luke P. continues to show his hand (spoiler alert: it’s a full house of lies), and ABC “Always Be Cam” might be ABC-ing his way right out the door. Crack an icy cold one from those leftover tailgate beers – your recap starts now!
I must admit I was unsure that Hannah Brown was a wise choice when producers announced their latest Bachelorette pick. You may recall Hannah B. fumbled a lotduring Colton’s season, and many Bachelor franchise fans were convinced she’d barely be able to string together a sentence, much less an entire toast. Well, it turns out the people who’ve been casting this show for 15 seasons doknow what they’re doing, as Miss Alabama is crushing it. The beauty queen is not only engaging, she’s got a naughty side (she’s not afraid to inflict a little S&M pain) and she has no problem standing up for herself. She’s found her groove early, so if you were shying away from watching, shy no more! This season is proving to be pretty damn fun, IMO.
With that hearty endorsement, let’s dive in! Chris Harrison shows up to say the lines he’s uttered a thousand times before – time with the Bachelorette is precious, so be sure to get some! With that he tosses a Date Card on the table and strolls back to his trailer. This man truly is living the dream. The coveted invite reads, “Let’s push our love to the limit,” and it is for: Jonathan, Mateo, Jed, John Paul Jones, Tyler C., Mike, and Cam.
Did I mention Hannah doesn’t mind inflicting some hurt? Well, girlfriend doubles down on this because today’s big date involves labor pains – literally. Hannah’s big goal in life involves motherhood, and she wants to make sure her men understand what women go through when it comes to delivering the gift of life, so she enlists Jason Biggs (“The guy from American Pie!” exclaims John Paul Jones,) and wife/author/comedian Jenny Mollen, plus a registered nurse, to give her suitors a little window into the experience. And yes, it is as hilarious and satisfying as it sounds! They learn to waddle with pregnancy bellies, get a… uh… taste of breastfeeding via having clothespins clipped to their nipples, and have a machine attached to their stomachs to simulate contractions. (Watching the men crumple at the slightest cramp leaves Hannah howling. Also, she seemed to take extra pleasure in delivering a triple dose of labor to John Paul Jones, who was crying before the machine was even on. I like this girl!)
The evening portion of the group date brings sore abs and affable men, minus Cam, who continues to whine with aplomb.
But it’s singer/songwriter Jed who’s up first, as he and Hannah take in another magnificent rooftop view. Jed claims he’s “never seen a city this big.” Hannah is confused – doesn’t he live in Nashville, a major metropolitan area? Yes, yes he does. Okay, then… differing opinions on what constitutes a city aside, they proceed to have a serious makeout session after Hannah reveals she has plans to relocate to the tiny town in Tennessee as the L.A. lights twinkle below.
Next up is the hot potato that is Mike and his killer smile. He and Hannah get serious fast, as he reveals today was extra emotional for him. It turns out Mike and his previous girlfriend lost their baby in the second trimester, which he considers his fault for “not being there for her.” It’s heartbreaking stuff, but don’t think for one moment these two will be able to connect over it because Cam is there to make sure they don’t. Yep, Mr. ABC interrupts Mike’s reveal not once, not twice, but threetimes to beg for Hannah’s time. Mike keeps it nailed down – an original Wills move – letting Cam know he can have a moment after Mike is done, and not one second before then thankyouverymuch.
What does Cam have to share that is so freaking urgent? He lets Hannah know he had to resign from a job he liked to come on the show, and that it was a huge sacrifice! So… he pulled Hannah away from Mike to let her know he’s unemployed? Yes, it’s official – Cam is an idiot.
Jonathan decides to get in the game and play dirty, forcibly interrupting Cam’s time, which later invokes a hilarious stare-down between Cam and Jonathan. Their heated exchange is as follows:
Cam – “I didn’t think you had it in you.”
Jonathan – “Me neither.”
Cam – “Good on you. We’ll see how it turns out for you.”
Jonathan – “Likewise.”
John Paul Jones – “Hey, did you guys have any chicken nuggets?”
I, for one, am riveted! However, the argument is all for naught – the group Date Rose goes to Mike, and it is well-deserved.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, the other whiner extraordinaire, Luke P., is complaining about his lack of Hannah-time – and there’s no relief in sight when the one-on-one Date Card arrives. It reads, “Let’s set sail on our love story,” and it’s for the baby-faced Connor S. Luke pouts, Connor celebrates.
Connor can’t believe his luck and is super stoked for his date. But fate has other plans, as news is delivered that his coveted one-on-one has been cancelled because the Bachelorette is in the E.R.! Yep, Hannah fainted due to exhaustion and isn’t up for setting sail. But all is not lost; instead getting sunstroke, Connor instead scores an invite to Hannah’s suite and there are now many a jealous housemate to contend with.
Connor goes all out to make a good impression, stopping off to purchase flowers and chicken soup before showing up at the hotel. His efforts are rewarded with an invitation to cuddle in bed with Hannah, so that was (show) money well-spent!
I hadn’t paid much attention to Connor S. until now, but OMG – this dude is adorable. He and Hannah have a lovely chat where he reveals his parents have been married for over 30 years and he’s been raised around true love. Nothing made that more apparent than when he watched his father care for his mother after he witnessed her felled by a stroke at 13-years old while they were on a family ski trip. He knows without a doubt that this is the kind of union he wants, and he earns a lengthy kiss from Hannah.
What he doesn’t earn is the Date Rose… yet. Hannah sends him away so she can nap, and Connor graciously obliges. While she rests, he leaves love notes all around her suite for her to find. And it pays off! While he’s waiting at the mansion – fending off creepy Luke P., who asks what Hannah was wearing – a limo driver arrives to take Connor to the evening portion of his one-on-one, where they share the first awkward solo concert/swaying dance of the season, and the Date Rose finally becomes his.
And it’s time for another group date! This card reads, “A picture is worth a thousand words,” and it’s for: Dylan, Peter, Garrett, Grant, Luke P., Luke S., Joey, and Devin. We know these invites tend to be literal, so it should come as no surprise that the men are about to embark on a photo shoot. The twist? Celebrity photographer Franco is pairing the suitors with “top models” who happen to be animals. Yep, we get an infomercial for The Secret Life of Pets 2as the guys pose with a variety of adorable critters, and one snake. Speaking of snakes, Demi is back to spy on Hannah’s dates, hoping to catch them in flagrante delicto with the moles she “hired” to flirt with the dudes. Hidden cameras catch several conversations between the men and the faux animal trainer and makeup artist, but no one takes the bait. Demi is happy for her friend but bummed she didn’t get to go HAM on some poor sap. Adios until Paradise, Demi! The photo sesh is hilarious, despite the blatant Pets 2pandering, and I would very much like to know where I can order prints of Garrett in a Speedo.
Oh, by the way, if you were wondering if Luke “Jealous Rage” P. behaved himself during this group challenge the answer, of course, is “No.” Luke cannot stand it that Hannah is developing relationships with men, and every other connection she has outside of theirs is “a bitter pill to swallow.” He attempts to grab a moment with Hannah by escorting her back to her dressing room, but she shuts him down. In a takeaway interview, Hannah says, “I don’t need him beside me all the time to know we’re good. I have other relationships developing. I need him to slow his roll.” From your (televised) mouth to (whatever deity you believe in) god’s ears.
The group hang has transitioned to nighttime and, after a cheers (she can deliver them speedily now!), Hannah pulls Luke P. aside before the cocktail party can commence. Hannah tells the camera, “Luke P. stole the show again, but in a negative way. It’s annoying that he needs to flaunt our connection in front of the other guys. This confidence is a fine line.”
Luke offers his “hand or his arm” to Hannah (see: choices!), before letting Hannah know he doesn’t believe any of the other guys have what it takes to be her husband. Miss Alabama does not take this lightly, letting Luke know his attitude bothers her a lot, and that he needs to stop acting like “this is promised” to him. He attempts to cut her off, but she demands to speak. It is clear that Luke is not a fan of letting a woman express her opinion and there are SO MANY red flags that it’s making me sick to my stomach.
Hannah attempts to connect with some of the other suitors, including a hot kiss with Pilot Peter, but is continually interrupted by Luke P. who “just wants to explain his side.” Hannah wants to call her own shots. Luke threatens to leave. The men grow evermore concerned that Luke is nuts. Peter continues to be suave. Luke gets told he needs to fix himself, stat. Peter handily wins the Date Rose.
Argh. Are you exhausted? I’m exhausted. Almost as exhausted as Hannah and her perpetually red nose. Chris Harrison, who is decidedly not exhausted, lets us know there’s no pre-Rose Ceremony activity, but there will be an afternoon tailgater. Woot!
Hannah just wants to kick it, claiming “momma needs to chill,” but ABC Cam has other ideas. He’s decided Hannah needs to know the serious side of him, deep things that “might send him home.” (Yeah, that’ll be why.) The first cornhole of the tailgate has barely been tossed before Cam decided to unburden himself to our Bachelorette. The big reveals? He almost had to get his foot amputated, his grandmother has passed, and his dog died. So… life happened.
Mike lets Hannah know this story was a ploy for pity and she loses it on Cam, telling him his sob story feels schemey and slimy. Cam is aghast! How can everyone question his integrity?
When you’re done drying your tears of laughter, please join us for the Rose Ceremony! A reminder that Mike, Connor S., and Peter already have flowers. And a programming note that Tyler G. – the recipient of the first one-on-one date – was unceremoniously removed from the show with no explanation. (Rumors are swirling over on Reality Steve, via Reddit, that Tyler once spit on an ex-girlfriend and producers gave him a swift kick to the curb rather than chance courting more controversy.)
Staying on are: Jed, Tyler C. (the only Tyler now), Dustin, Dillon, Grant, Luke P. (booooooo!), Garrett, John Paul Jones, Matteo, Devin, Luke S., and Kevin.
That means we’re saying goodbye to: Cam (thank god!), Jonathan (aw, man), and Joey (who?). Cam cries in his solo interview. He is a mega douche.
Next week there’s fishing, fireworks, and basketball. Hannah calls Peter who boyfriend (she’s getting smarter all the time!), and the men accuse Luke P. of being an evil, violent liar with sociopathic tendencies (all true). We can all agree on two things: Luke P. is the worst, and we totes have a date right here next week with each other to discuss it all! See you soon, Rose Lovers. Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter for live-tweets of the show – I follow back! xo
[This post originally appeared on MovieBoozer – check them out for all things fabulous on movie reviews and more!]