Hello, Rose Lovers! Do you know what women like? They like creepy declarations of love made hours after a first meeting because that is in no way alarming or worthy of a red flag parade. Yep, we’ve got a live one in Luke P., whose talent is apparently revealing inappropriately timed feelings during a pageant. Surprisingly, he’s not even the most annoying! Cam came in hot with the alphabet and threw the men for a loop. Meanwhile some chicken nuggets met an untimely end. There’s a lot to chat about, so warm up those scrolling fingers – your recap starts now!
Hannah Brown is experiencing “a love story coming to life” as she’s already started to thin the herd in hopes of finding her husband hiding amongst a myriad of strangers. Who needs Tinder when ABC will pimp your ride?
Back at the mansion Chris Harrison shows up with his usual words of comfort, letting the guys know they’ve “clearly made an impression on Hannah, because you’re here.” He doesn’t end with the more menacing “for now,” but lets the threat hang in the air. It’s classier that way.
Luke P. (aka the community college Tim Tebow) brags about the confidence he feels after nabbing the First Impression Rose, but homeboy better not get too comfortable because the first Group Date Card of the season has arrived, and the competition is about to get heated! It reads, “I’m looking for my Mr. Right,” and it’s for: Grant, Luke S., Mike, Jed, Jonathan, John Paul Jones, Dillon, and, yes, Luke P.
Hannah is no fool – she wants to put the men through the paces and have them experience what she’s endured many times over – being judged while clad in revealing swimwear. Yes, dear viewers – it’s time for the Mr. Right Pageant, and on hand to help Hannah sort through her suitors are none other than drag queens Miss J Alexander (America’s Next Top Model runway coach), Alyssa Edwards (RuPaul’s Drag Race alum), and Alaska Thunderfuck (winner of the second season of RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars). Oh, glory be – it’s as delightful as it sounds and why can’t we do this every episode? Or at least every season? Any night that Miss J and company graces my screen is a great evening.
The men are game for it all, hamming it up in their revealing Speedos (a great way to eye the goods – woot, woot Hannah!) before doing their best to impress the Bachelorette with their talents. John Paul Jones rides a unicycle, someone juggles, another plays the horn (sadly not a euphuism, in this case), and Mike strolls in heels to prove to Hannah he “can walk in her shoes.” Jed sings an original tune, because of course. But the most controversial offering is Luke P. who takes to the mic to tell Hannah he’s “genuinely starting to fall in love with her.” (Insert gianteyeroll.) If trying to sell women empty platitudes is a thing, then Luke has this talent in spades. The crowd goes wild, but it’s Twitter that lights up – all with concern over this nut job who has played his hand way too early.
It’s the evening portion of the date that won’t end. Hannah is “super impressed” with how bold everyone was, “in their own unique way.” It might sound like the equivalent of, “Bless your heart,” but, to be fair, there wasn’t a dud in the bunch when it came to the Speedo category.
Of course, it’s pesky Luke “budget Tebow” P. who “steals” Hannah away first, all while still wearing his crown from the contest. (Yep, he was crowned Mr. Right, despite the glaring evidence that he’s clearly Mr. Wrong.) Hannah naturally has questions about Luke’s big reveal, and he claims, “I did start developing feelings before I ever met you. I’ve never felt a connection like this my whole entire night. I am starting to fall in love with you.” If I were Hannah, I’d be looking over my shoulder as I left this man in the review – objects in mirror are closer than they appear!
I’m not the only one concerned – the other contestants gather ‘round to talk shit about their fellow castmate, expressing disbelief over the veracity of Luke’s words. Mike (my fave – omg, those dimples!) says Luke’s declaration is “blasphemy” and is worried Hannah’s “heart will be rattled.”
Luke doesn’t dominate all of her time – she also connects with Nashville singer/songwriter Jed. I guess she likes the way he strums his guitar because it’s Jed who nabs the Date Rose over Luke’s look of love.
Back at the mansion another Date Card has arrived – this time it’s for a coveted one-on-one! It reads, “Falling in love can be messy,”and it goes to Tyler G. (The Tyler who did not dance around a construction site shirtless, #thankyouverymuch.)
Hannah shows up in head-to-toe white denim and I would like to commend wardrobe for the bold choice. She squires Tyler away for the requisite helicopter ride, leaving many a jealous dude behind.
Tyler is nervous, and Hannah shares how she shutdown with Colton (um, yes – the non-toast heard ‘round the internet is still fresh in our brains). She assures Tyler it’s okay to have jitters and to just be himself. It turns out Tyler “being himself” is pretty much a snooze, as this date is BORING. They ride ATVs. Hannah gets her pristine outfit muddy, ‘cuz she’s just a ‘Bama girl at heart. They share feels. In the evening they connect over food they will not touch. She reveals her goal in life is to be a mom. They kiss. The rooftop view from the Roosevelt Hotel is stunning. She offers him the Date Rose. He accepts. Fin.
Back at the house Cam is whining about missing Hannah. Dude – it’s Day Two! Chill the f out. He offers up an embarrassing rap, along with his life’s motto – ABC, Always Be Cam. His ABC credo will be repeated several more times throughout tonight’s episode, and it will almost push me over the edge. Fucking fuck this entitled wannabe villain.
There is a knock at the door. Karma is swift – a Date Card arrives, and Cam is not on it. The note reads, “Let’s get our love on track,” and joining our Bachelorette are: Devon, Mateo, Darren, Connor J., Kevin, Dustin, Tyler C., Joey, Peter, and Garrett. That means Cam, Connor S. and Matthew will go without the sunshine that are Hannah’s dimples this week (i.e. no date at all, group or otherwise.)
Hannah’s (read: the producer’s) idea of “love on track” is a date with the L.A. Derby Dolls. Connor J. openly admits he’s “pissing his pants” and I greatly admire him for his good sense. Chris Harrison trots out Fred Willard for “The Bachelorettes* Derby Dudes Derby” (*no apostrophe, per their sign). There was a Green Team. There was an Orange Team. There was Hannah in ridiculously short shorts. There was me yelling at the television about grammar and proper punctuation. The Green Team won. And so it goes.
Now we’re at the evening portion of this scintillating group hang, where the location scout has dug up yet another random antique shop (that Hannah notes “also has other stuff”). This time Hannah steals herself, requesting time with the quiet Dustin. They have a sweet chat, discussing his shyness. He wants to be bold, albeit in his own time and way. Hannah agrees to wait for him to come into his own. Note to Luke P.: this is the normal pace of a budding relationship.
Peter the Pilot is up next – he’s a man of the world who has put relationships on the back burner. (Maybe they got lost with all the other Delta baggage? Hey yo!) He claims he’s “ready to start an amazing life.” Settle down, Mr. Greedy. Surely you have both company health insurance and an IRA. Isn’t that enough?
The guys are all eagerly awaiting time with the Bachelorette, but one man has no such patience. He needs to take it, and he needs to take it now. That’s right – ABC Cam decides to crash the group date (a franchise first!). Hannah is shocked, the men are pissed, and ABC is thrilled with his momentary control of the game. It works – he gets time with Hannah and attempts to ooze his sleazy charm all over her. Something must’ve clicked, since she gives him more than one kiss. Girl, why?!
After he exits for a solo interview, there is a hilarious parade of housemates confronting Cam about his poor behavior – which only puts him further in the limelight while robbing other suitors of time with the Bachelorette. So, goal obtained for ABC.
In the end, it’s Dustin who is awarded the Date Rose (much to the chagrin of the increasingly unhinged Luke “Tebow” P).
The weekly cocktail party has arrived, and Hannah kicks it off… by bursting into tears?! Yep, Beast Mode is overwhelmed with gratitude at the boatload of douche canoes the good lord has presented her with, and she simply cannot contain her feelings about her douchey bounty. This is why Maybelline makes waterproof mascara, y’all!
Mike calls for Kleenex, Connor J. gets a kiss, and Kevin takes Hannah out to the driveway for some primal scream therapy. Hannah enjoys the release and the two are starting to connect when along comes – yep, you guessed it – motherfuckin’ ABC Cam, this time with chicken nuggets. (Am I high? I feel like I’m high typing this surreal scene.) Cam, Hannah, and Kevin sit down in the driveway for a picnic of fried delights, with Cam providing the dipping sauce. (Honey mustard, with no BBQ or Buffalo backup. He truly is a monster.)
For some reason, Kevin agrees to take the tray of food inside, leaving Cam with Hannah. Later, he throws the leftover chicken at ABC and calls Cam a piece of shit. Now this is peak television!
Tyler C. gets a kiss in the driveway, but it’s Luke P. who gets the offer of a massage. Jed finds Hannah entwined with Luke and is decidedly not amused. But enough of all this tomfoolery – it’s Rose Ceremony time!
A reminder: Jed, Dustin, and Tyler G. already have flowers.
On the boutonniere receiving end are: Tyler C., Garrett, Devon, Connor S., Luke P., Dylan, Luke S., Mike, Peter, Kevin, Jonathon, Joey, Matteo, John Paul Jones (miraculously less irritating this week in light of ABC), Grant, and Cam (insert giant eyeroll).
That means we’re saying goodbye to: Connor J., Daron (so hot – Paradise, please!), and Matthew (who?).
Here is where we normally wrap, but not when Luke P. is in play! He interrupts Hannah’s solo interview to once again reiterate his feelings of lustlove to let her know she “shouldn’t have any fear in this” with him. Which is code for YOU SHOULD TOTALLY FEAR THIS NUT JOB. Have we learned nothing from You?!
Next week there are pregnancy/labor simulators, a fancy photo sesh, tons of kissing, and more scheming. And I’ll be breaking it all down for you, right here. See you soon!
[This post originally appeared on the fabulous MovieBoozer.com – visit the site for the hottest film & television reviews.]