Woot, woot – it’s time for the two things we’ve been waiting for the entire season: the epic takedown of Luke, and the identity of the suitor who gets lucky in the windmill (twice). Honestly anything that gets that mini Jesus tyrant off our screens is the only gift I need! Make sure you’ve packed protection – your Fantasy Suite recap starts now!
Hannah is in Greece and she is ready to get down and dirty, kicking things off with Peter the Pilot. Hannah claims Peter is “the nice guy you can bring anywhere,” and it’s difficult to pay attention because I’m laughing so hard, given that Peter just got his ass handed to him by his ex and now it’s challenging to see him as anything other than a player. (More about Peter’s recent bad day on the internet in Beer Five – it’s juicy!) But, for now, onward with this date!
Hannah reveals that she “hasn’t been physical in a while, but it’s not all about sex.” No, of course not! First, they set sail on a boat (I swear to god, if I have to see one more Titanic reenactment on this franchise, I am going to punch someone) talking about how awesome one another are before spending hours making out. I think we’re all getting to know Peter better, if you know what I mean!
The evening portion of the date brings more of the same: fawning conversation, Peter feeding Hannah the words she wants to hear, with lots of mouth to mouth resuscitation. Peter relates how happy his family is with Hannah, he feels the same, and that he’s in love with her. Oh, and he’s super relieved to be “100% transparent.” That’s the most opaque transparency I’ve ever seen, that’s for sure.
With the untouched dinner comes the infamous “should you choose to forgo your individual rooms” card and it is challenge accepted! They do, indeed, decide to bunk together and Twitter erupts when the duo strolls up to the quaint windmill cottage where they’ll be spending the night. We know from the promos that Hannah “fucks in a windmill… twice,” and it’s now time for that momentous occasion to occur. I’ll let your imagination take it from here. I know mine did.
The morning after, Peter says they “came together” and have “taken their relationship to the next level.” So much for the imagination – it’s all mapped out for us! Peter believes it’s game over and that he’s sealed the deal. Is he Hannah’s hubby-to-be, or was this a rollicking one-night stand? The two-part finale has a lot to answer for!
From Peter to the salmon blazer that could. Yep, it’s time for the delight that is Tyler, who says he has “no questions or doubts” and is “ready to propose.” If only it could be that simple! First, it’s time for a rub down. No – not that! Rather a spa date with professional masseurs while they talk, basically about how hot they are for each other. The sizzle doesn’t stop there – Tyler shoos the staff out of the room and takes over rubbing Hannah’s taut body and suddenly I feel like I’m recapping 50 Shades of Gray. Where did my life take a turn? Meanwhile, Hannah relates in a solo interview that she knows the “physical won’t be a problem” with Tyler and I’d say they’ve done a good job of making that readily apparent!
The evening portion includes more “deep thoughts.” Hannah knows Tyler is the dream guy every woman wants to be with and is thrilled he’s chosen her. All Tyler wants is a chance to give her his all – and if she doesn’t want it, may I volunteer as tribute? Tyler is sporting his famous salmon jacket and I am ready for a Miami Vice comeback if it looks this good.
They agree to spend the night together, with their overnight taking place on a fancy yacht. Hannah makes it clear, both that evening and the morning after, that their date consisted of sweet pillow talk and nothing more. This lady and her taste baffles me at every turn, that’s for sure. They have a touching goodbye and I don’t know about Hannah, but I already miss him.
Now we’re on to the nonsense known as Jed. I feel like inserting one giant eyeroll gif and moving to the next beer, but the next round is Luke, so I’ll guess we’ll stay put for a moment.
Jed reveals the last time he saw Hannah he “felt angry and letdown.” He’s shocked – shocked, I tell you! – that it came down to him and Luke. In his “heart and mind” there is “no comparison” between him and Luke because Luke is “toxic.” Here is one thing Jed and I can agree on – there’s no doubt that Luke is 100% a horrible human being. That said, it’s hard to take Jed seriously because even as he’s expressing concern for Hannah, Jed is still all about Jed. I don’t doubt he’s worried about Hannah “making a mistake” but what concerns him the most is being put in the same boat with Luke. That’s really what his ego can’t handle.
Hannah tries to make it a nice day, taking Jed to some loosely planned “local family event” where they eat and dance, but Jed cannot keep it together – he has to pull Hannah away from the festivities to talk about Luke, posthaste. Something has been weighing on his heart, so let’s stop everything! Jed tells Hannah, “I know you know about Luke. I’ve seen him take people’s words and lie. And I don’t understand how you can be as amazing as you are and be with someone like him.” Hannah’s little red nose glows like Rudolph’s – she doesn’t really care what Jed’s opinion is; she wants a chance to figure it out for herself. (Though I’ve got to momentarily side with Jed. Seriously, what in the hell is left to figure out and how long is it going to take for her to reach the conclusion that Luke is a bible-thumping psychopath?)
The evening portion is more of the same. Jed can’t let the Luke issue go and an exasperated Hannah walks away from the table. But, somehow, they make up and Jed still gets an overnight because he showed he cares about himself Hannah’s future.
We’re forced to see Jed’s sweaty AM face, where we learn they are “more sure of each other than ever.” Yay?
Now it’s finally time for the roller coaster that is Luke. We know this is his takedown episode and I think we can all agree that the moment can’t come soon enough. Luke enters the date expansively saying, “I know she knows I’m the one.” Even his confidence is gross.
But nothing is as gross as seeing him makeout with Hannah all over Santorini. Yep, Hannah chooses Luke for the “bucket list” helicopter ride to the insanely gorgeous island and all I can think is, “What a waste.” Hannah claims Luke is “the best kisser” and wonders “what his church is teaching him.” I for sure just gagged a little. What is this chick on?
Day turns into night and Luke wants to talk sex. Specifically, what it means to get it on in the marital bed because according to Luke that’s the only place it should be going down. He claims they’re both “the spiritual leaders” of their respective families and that he “can’t wait to make history.” Something about this declaration chills me to bone…
Speaking of bones, it’s back to Luke discussing whoopee. Luke wants Hannah to know that he knows she’s a good girl who would never, ever have Fantasy Suite sex, but he “needs to hear it from her mouth.” And friends, this is when the downfall FINALLY begins. Luke says he’s saving himself for marriage – despite his sex-chasing college escapades – and expects that Hannah is planning the same. In fact, he’s so sure of this that he claims he’d want to leave the show if he found out she’d been intimate with any of the other contestants.
Hannah sees red. Who is he to tell her what she can and can’t do with her body? (You tell ‘em, sister!) She says, “You don’t own me, and you don’t get to decide what I can and can’t do. We’ve been through so much. To ignore all the red flags and then I get this? You have not shown respect for any of the guys and I’m finally seeing that. I have finally gotten clarity on you and I do not want you to be my husband.” (There’s more – a lot more – but I’m so sick of writing about Luke, it’s making my skin crawl.)
With that, she asks him to leave. Of course, he won’t, attempting to backpedal, but this time it really is too late. It’s awesome to watch him in a freefall as he loses his grip on his prey. Not this time, pal! He eventually walks to the car, but not before asking if he can pray over her. (?!) The answer is a firm “no” and she sends him off, waving goodbye with her middle finger in the air. Fucking finally.
Oh, yes – spoilers! It’s allll over Twitter, but please skip ahead if you don’t want to know about Peter “The Pilot” Weber. Are you with me? Okay. Last week there was growing chatter about Peter’s ex-girlfriend and this week she decided to make herself known. She is Calee Lutes and she is not a fan of Peter’s, of that we can be sure! According to Calee, she decided to come forward so that Peter couldn’t lead another gal on. According to me, Calee timed this perfectly to torpedo Peter’s chances of being named the next Bachelor. Revenge is a dish best served cold, and Calee popped up out of the blue like a hidden iceberg. (See, we can’t get away from the Titanic references, no matter what we do!)
There’s a lot of conversation happening regarding both sides today. Some say what Peter did was no big deal – and certainly not as big of a fuckup as Jed’s dirty deeds. Others claim Peter is shady and he jumped at his chance for fame. Rumor has it Peter was “recruited” for the show – a fact confirmed by former lead Nick Viall, and a theory long suspected by my Twitter pal, Deanna. Does that give him more or less leeway towards how he chose to end his relationship? Either way, there’s no doubt his formerly sterling reputation has taken a hit. It only means more to celebrate for me, as this (most likely) narrows the Bachelor field to Mike or Tyler; both gems!
Needless to say, Calee’s exclusive interview with Entertainment Tonight is a must-read and you can check it out here. Whatever her motives, I stand in awe of a woman who waited until the Fantasy Suite episode to call out her ex – ice cold bold.
In other fun homework, I’d encourage you to read Hannah and Luke’s Twitter fight, where she owns him yet again. Yep – Luke signed up for Twitter just so he could continue to try to make his point with Hannah. Unreal. This guy should throw himself a red flag parade, there are so many at this point.
Hannah has now tossed the albatross that is Luke out of her life! But, wait… who’s that in the previews? Holy crap – it’s Luke who, no surprise, can’t take no for an answer and is back with an engagement ring. Can we pool our cash to buy Luke a clue? Like, seriously GTFO dude. Hannah weeps. The remaining men rally. One suitor gets eliminated and soon we’ll find out who Hannah gets engaged to. But first there’s the Men Tell All episode before we get to the finale (airing over two nights on Monday, July 29th and Tuesday, July 30th). I do not know if I can take more Luke overload; I’m going to do a happy dance when he exits our lives for real. Until then, Rose Lovers!
Be sure to join me for live-tweets during the show at JennaZine1 and check back here for weekly episode recaps! Programming note: there won’t be a Men Tell All recap – I really just can’t with Luke anymore – but please be sure to check back for the epic write up of Hannah’s finale! This post originally appeared on MovieBoozer – please visit them for all things fab about film and more. 🙂