Hello, and welcome to another season of The Bachelor! There was a delay in my coverage this first week due to a death in the family, but not even grief will keep me from recapping The Bachelor for you, so let’s get to it!
This season kicks off with Peter Weber, the third runner-up from Hannah “The Beast” Brown’s season of The Bachelorette, as our new lead. In case you’ve been living under a rock (or, better yet, living a fuller life away from the soul suck that is ABC) let me remind you that PETER IS A PILOT. Also, he and Hannah fucked in a windmill an astonishing FOUR TIMES during their Fantasy Suite date – a fact neither one of them is shy in repeatedly informing the public about, and a stat that Peter’s parent’s bizarrely (and rather uncomfortably) celebrated during their cameo on After The Final Rose. It was like watching horse owners stud out their stallion – except it was his parents who should in no way have such an invested involvement in their son’s alleged sexual prowess. Return to embracing your Puritanical shame asap like the rest of America – please and thank you.
Let’s address the elephant in the room – we should be celebrating Mike Johnson as the first black Bachelor right now. Bachelor Nation lobbied for this for months to make this happen – and the ABC brass choose not to listen, or even acknowledge this as an option because they are racist trash who have a huge platform available to them for change and yet refuse to move the needle even one inch in a bid to placate advertisers (as well as a certain core demographic). So, fuck them, and fuck me for being an asshole who continues to play into this because here I am continuing to watch. I get the levels of hypocrite I am.
Peter kicks off his season by “humbly” saying, “I don’t know what I did to deserve this.” (My answer is a resounding, “Nothing. You’ve literally done nothing to deserve this.”) We are reminded that he is a pilot. Chris Harrison shows up to let us know it’s totally going to be the most dramatic season ever and that the ending is the first in history to remain unspoiled. (Yes, kick it off with a challenge baiting Reality Steve. That seems smart.) There are hints that “the season is not over yet; it’s still going on.” One: whatever the fuck that means. Two: my first thought was, “Is one of the finalists pregnant?” Because a Bachelor Baby conceived under the loving supervision of noted domestic abuser Mike Fleiss really would be the final frontier in reality television. Stay tuned!
It’s time for chicks, man. The ladies arrive at the mansion in droves and what a plethora of diversity it is. Truly every size, race, and age demographic are being represented this year and it is refreshing. Oh wait, no; my bad. It’s the usual assortment of rail-thin 20-something’s with eyelash extensions and contoured cheekbones. Peter is a pumpkin eater, as this is the pumpkin spice latte of contestants. In other words, settle back and enjoy the endless parade of basic bitches. The most stunning advancement in the selection of “Peter’s Girls” is that THERE IS NOT ONE LAUREN IN THE BUNCH. Zero Laurens, y’all. And just when we thought there would be no change. I take it all back!
The ladies arrive and let me tell you now that I will not be bothering to learn many names for the first few episodes. Let’s sort out the wheat from the chaff before I take up my limited brain cells memorizing any of this information. One gal arrives with a large paper airplane around her waist. That was cute. Another informs Peter, in a poorly planned pun, that her sense of humor is dry, but her vagina is very wet! Peter and Twitter collectively blanche at the TMI. Another woman gives Peter an “emotional support” cow as a gift/joke – one I don’t get. I was far too distracted by the cow’s emaciated ribcage and concern for its overall wellbeing to find this stunt amusing.
Hannah Brown also arrives to give Peter his pilot wings back and wish him well. This in no way reeks of stunt casting, nor does it come into play later! (Spoiler alert: the opposite.)
Champagne flows. The women in the house begin to form alliances while (not so) secretly resenting one another. Women “steal” Peter from other women. A brunette Hannah claims the First Impression Rose, emerging as an early frontrunner. There is a Rose Ceremony. People – perhaps 3 or 4? – were sent home. This THREE-HOUR premiere episode is rolling along. Woot.
In a historic, noteworthy moment we are not forced to spend the entire evening in the mansion. Instead it’s time for first dates! First off, there is a flight school challenge because PETER IS A PILOT. The gals are forced to attempt long division – some with more success than others. There was a ridiculously awkward relay race with accusations of cheating. The winner received a sunset airplane ride with Peter and a cadre of cameramen. There was kissing.
Madison is selected to accompany Peter to his parent’s vow renewal. I’m not really sure how or why this happened, as I watched this on my phone via Hulu on Tuesday while wandering around my house weeping in a disoriented mess. A reminder: PETER IS A PILOT and your recapper is grieving.
Here’s the thing about vow renewals – I personally believe them to be bad luck. It seems divorce follows vow renewals, as it’s generally a try-hard last ditch effort before throwing in the towel. This is via a random sampling of Heidi Klum and Seal’s multiple wedding ceremonies, who are no longer married. Proceed at your own risk! Also, when did Peter’s seemingly sweet folks become such fame whores? They are overly eager for screen time, and yes – I am judging them for it. Settle down – I’m confident your son will get his dick wet without help of this shameless bid for attention. Peter acts of master of the ceremony. Peter’s mother throws her bouquet at the end, practically shoving it in Madison’s face. Madison acts thrilled and in no way alarmed that her future mother in-law has bangs.
Also, Madison totally says “like” like totally waaaay too much. Like, do you, like, know what I’m saying?
There’s the first concert of the season, with the duo swaying awkwardly in each other’s arms to yet another no name country-ish band. Yee haw.
There is another group date! A Rose Ceremony, a wedding ceremony, and two group dates in one episode? Sure, you’ve sat through an entire HOUR of commercials, but at least there’s somewhat of a bang for this buck. This time Peter and a gaggle of gals show up in some rented ballroom where Peter has asked a “very good friend” to help him out with the next challenge. The “very good friend” is none other than… Hannah Brown! You can practically hear the inner-groanings of the women, who must surely be thinking, “Bitch – this is not your season. Get off the stage!”
Hannah is backlit by the silhouette of – wait for it – a windmill. The challenge is to share a story of a sexual memory and/or experience to a roomful of strangers! To kick things off Hannah leads by example, telling us, “I dated a boy for several weeks. I wasn’t sure if he was fit for The Beast. I thought he was just a nice guy. Then we went on a date in a windmill where he showed me otherwise. We did it three times that night, and once again in the morning. And that is the story of the windmill.” Compelling! Watch out monthly Moth – you’ve got some serious competition on your hands.
Can we take a moment to address how wildly awkward this is? Can you imagine trying to date one man with 30 other women – a ludicrous premise in and of itself – only to have an ex lord sexual bragging rights over you? In what world is this okay? Oh, yes – on The Bachelor. Forgive me while I get my bearings.
The gals are sent off – aka forced into penning their most intimate moments for ratings. Hannah started the trend and now it’s your turn. It is now the norm to reveal how many times a penis has entered you, in the greatest of detail possible. Do it now.
While waiting for “his girls,” Peter happens to stumble upon Hannah – who, moments ago, was composed – now weeping in the dressing room. She is unsure of the decision she has made. Maybe she wants Peter back? And maybe Peter also wants her back, even though he was her third choice? Maybe she’d like to join the house to compete for him, even though they’ve already banged and she’s moments away from leaving to film Dancing with Stars and there’s no way in hell she’d agree to return to a group setting after being the lead last season? Also, apparently this accomplished beauty pageant winner has never heard of waterproof mascara because girlfriend looks like Alice Cooper right about now.
How will this continue to unspool? I am on the edge of my couch. Let’s continue to find out together!
This entry is dedicated to Astrid, my most beloved baby girl. Watching this horrid show will not be the same without her little fuzzy comfort by my side. xo