The Bachelor: Season 23, Episode 1 – Totes Colts!

Friends, it’s that time again to abandon all hope of getting anything done on Monday nights. That’s right – The Bachelor has returned to steal your free time (and free will – oh beloved, terrible show why can’t I quit you?!), barreling in with a THREE-HOUR long premiere. The irony? Nothing happened! Instead we had to watch Krystal Nielson and Chris “Goose” Radone marinate in a hot tub while various other Bachelor “royalty” alums hosted live viewing parties scattered all over the United States.

And let me tell you, the producers S..T..R..E..T..C..H..E..D this episode to the max, even going so far as to include a sloth! (Not literally – but almost so. One brave contestant made her entrance in a furry sloth onesie, and even hung from a tree for good measure. Spoiler alert: despite going all out, albeit slowly, she still got eliminated night one.)

Man, I felt every inch of that premiere, doubling down on yoga the next day to hopefully alleviate the damage done by sitting so freaking long. Not that I didn’t enjoy every moment of it, because I assure you that I did! (Why do such a thing if you don’t love it? I am unashamed to say that I love it!) But here’s what scares me: yes, that 3-hour broadcast was surely meant to help line the pockets of ABC with additional ad revenue. But what if there was a darker reason? What if they had to do an insane amount of filler because there wasn’t enough content? Being a virgin is totally fine. Being boring is unforgivable.

One thing I can promise – my recaps will be as witty as ever! Keep an eye out for my posts, available every Wednesday at MovieBoozer. And don’t forget to join me for live tweets during the broadcast – and please chime in! I always love hearing from you. In the meantime, enjoy my write-up of Episode 1. Three hours, distilled to three pages. You’re welcome. xo

 

 

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