Alright, it’s official – Hannah needs a Luke intervention. The 5’8” villain continues to terrorize the contestants (and the audience) with his cockroach-like refusal to GTFO. Meanwhile, Hannah throws some seriously prize fish back in the sea, while Tyler and Peter continue to enchant. Oh, yeah – Jed sticks around too. Will the Nashville native swagger his way to the finish line? Cue up the karaoke – your recap starts now!
Hannah has swapped her trademark red nose for a scratchy throat, sounding sick as a dog as she touts her excitement to “move past all the drama” in the beauty of the Netherlands. She meets up with the guys and exclaims that the dates start… now! She grabs Jed and off they go – but not before one of the men hilariously intones, “I hope he doesn’t have his guitar with him.” Color me dead; we at home are praying for the same! Tyler looks away and drains his beer in one gulp as Hannah strolls off with the singer/songwriter/fame monger. I’m with you, buddy.
Hannah and Jed proceed to skip around the city. She thinks they’re natural together, but is using this date to make sure, as the infamous Hometowns are now just around the corner. The requisite old married couple production somehow digs up every season makes their appearance, conveniently sitting next to the lead and her current love. They met, fell in love, and wed, all within 10 days and have now been married for 54 years? You don’t say! Perhaps fate will “bless” Hannah and Jed with the same! The elderly woman shares that her love with her husband was written in the stars. Here’s how Hannah’s stars will look if she weds Jed:
[Image via Twitter]
The evening portion of the date continues in the same vein. Her feelings are growing, to the point that it’s getting difficult to concentrate and shift gears during other dates. (Um, hello – have you not seen Tyler shirtless?) She feels afraid, but Jed is worth trying for. (Is he though? Survey says: NO.) Hannah shows up for their dinner in a red pantsuit (I’m still with her!), Jed shows up with tulips. Hannah coos like it’s the cleverest thing ever. They are in Amsterdam, so it would be an insult not to show up with tulips, but sure – let’s pretend Jed did something amazing.
Hannah shares her hopes and fears. Jed reframes what she just said in his own words and parrots them back to her. This is enough for Hannah to believe they’re on the same page. She says the big “I love you,” and he returns the sentiment. He gets the Date Rose, which means she’ll be meeting his family – Twitter speculates if that will include Jed’s alleged girlfriend – while Hannah muses she can’t wait to find out “what makes Jed Jed.” (The answer is: a thirsty quest for fame combined with a subpar musical ability.)
Back at the Kurhaus Hotel, Tyler has received the next Date Card. It reads, “Tyler, will you ride into the sunset with me?” He is, naturally, over the moon. Meanwhile, sweet Connor grows more despondent. Will he be able to bounce back? Stay tuned!
It’s time for Hannah and Tyler to continue their reign of cuteness. In a takeaway interview, Hannah reveals that telling Jed she’s falling in love with him has “set the bar very, very high” for her. My personal opinion is that Hannah’s bar is set so low a toddler could step over it, but to each her own. They proceed to have an adorable, albeit slightly thwarted date due to Tyler’s fear of horses. Yep, they ride horses around the Hague, but Tyler’s innate nervousness rubs off on the giant steeds and they refuse to cooperate. When they do get to stop, they indulge in a bizarre variety of treats, including ice cream, waffles, and… pickled herring? Tyler gags. Same dude, same.
The evening portion is more digging on Hannah’s end to get Tyler to open up. He heard her message from earlier that day – she wants the dirt, pronto – and he readily complies. He relates the story of his parents: his father came from nothing but worked hard and eventually was able to buy his family a home on the water. They were living the dream until the market came crashing down and his father lost everything, forcing them to downsize dramatically. Instead of seeing his parents turn towards each other, he watched them turn away and eventually divorce. Now Tyler’s biggest fear is a failed marriage.
Hannah understands. Though her parents are still married, she doesn’t like their communication style. (Cue the awkward convo Hannah must’ve had with her folks last night!) She wants more, and Tyler may be just the guy to give it to her. She wants to meet his family, he confesses to falling hard, kisses are exchanged, and a Date Rose is awarded. End scene.
Another coveted one-on-one Date Card is handed out, this time to Mike. It says, “Mike, I’m drawn to you,” and, needless to say, he is thrilled. (As are we, my friend!)
Not so thrilled is Connor, whose gracious veneer is starting to crack when he realizes that means there’s no solo time for him and Hannah before Hometowns. He walks off, crying. He makes his way to Hannah’s room, where she greets him enthusiastically. He expresses his disappointment in receiving the Group Date invitation, saying he’s been counting the days since their last one-on-one, as it was then that he knew he was falling in love.
Unfortunately, it’s too little, too late. Hannah is kind but says that he’s been fading into the background. She wishes he’d expressed this weeks ago, as they might’ve had a chance to reestablish a connection, but she’s since moved on. They hug and she escorts him out. Until Paradise, little buddy.
Now let’s get on with Mike and his smiles for miles! They take a bike ride through the streets of Amsterdam (another season must) before heading to an art gallery where they meet and chat with the artist. It’s not long before they’re down to their skivvies as they get sketched in the near nude. I could spend a very long time watching Mike in his underwear. I’ll just leave that here.
Sadly, Hannah doesn’t appear to feel the same. As she strolls through an opulent museum alone in preparation for their evening date, her eyes are already welling up with tears and my heart drops. This does not bode well for Mike. When he shows up, it’s clear things are not going to go his way. She confesses she realizes she’s not going to be the fourth special lady in his life and needs to let him go, saying that he “deserves to be loved fiercely.” (You’ve got that right, lady! #MikeforBachelor) They have a tearful goodbye, as Twitter watches one woman make one gigantic mistake. Seriously – it’s like discovering gold and then being like, “Naw, I think I’ll leave this priceless bounty for someone else to find.” Hopefully her loss will be our gain. Fingers crossed for fall!
It might be sunny in the Netherlands, but back at the hotel there is serious shade to be thrown! The men are awaiting Mike’s fate, as his packed bag sits by the hotel door. Baby fist Luke pipes up, saying that “seeing someone take Mike’s suitcase would make” his day. Garrett rolls his eyes, replying, “We know.” But it’s Tyler who goes in hard, saying, “Normally the bad guy is someone huge, but we’re stuck with a 5’8” villain.” Luke asks Tyler if “that makes him feel better,” and Tyler affirms that it does. Twitter rejoices with Tyler. I mean, someone had to say it – it might as well be a wildly hot contractor from Florida.
Tyler goes on to say, “You know, if 14 guys don’t like you, maybe you’re the problem.” Luke scrambles for quick math. It is not 14 guys! Tyler concedes it’s not 14 contestants who dislike him anymore – now it’s 5 men who straight-up can’t stand him. Point: Tyler. Sadly, an intern arrives to take Mike’s suitcase away. The men are crushed. The baby fist that is Luke celebrates alone.
And with that, it’s time for the wildly uncomfortable Group Date that comes with no Date Card. If there was one, it would surely read, “Sorry, this is gonna suck. Love, Hannah.” Hannah herself acknowledges today “will be hard” but encourages everyone to “have a good time.” Sure, girlfriend – keep telling yourself that. In a takeaway interview, Hannah says, “The heart wants what the heart wants.” Looks like Hannah needs a cardiologist, because if her heart wants Luke, it must be diseased.
Meanwhile, it’s time to get on with this sham of a gathering that includes Peter, Garrett, and Luke. (Tyler and Jed are both safe to relax in the hotel with the roses from their one-on-ones, with Connor having eliminated himself earlier.) Is this going to play out like the nightmare we can all safely assume it will be? Let’s take a look!
Garrett intones Luke “loves the idea of winning The Bachelorette, not falling in love with Hannah.” I think Garrett is right that Luke loves the idea of winning, but he really does want to “win” Hannah – if only so he could hope to control her later. Good luck to whomever dates Luke in the future; that man has “potential domestic abuser” written all over him.
Speaking of, Luke asks to speak with Hannah first and the two go off for a private chat, leaving Peter and Garrett alone with the two Date Roses as they joke about running off with the flowers. I highly support this plan!
Hannah and Luke’s chat is the usual cavalcade of lies and manipulation. Luke tells Hannah he “wishes she could be a fly on the wall” to see the “other men’s characters,” as he proceeds to tattle on Garrett, Tyler, and Jed. Insert giant eyeroll here. Hannah replies, “I just don’t get why people won’t be kind to you.” BECAUSE HE’S UTTER GARBAGE, HANNAH; THAT’S WHY. That’s the tweet, as they say. This is seriously frustrating to watch. The man radiates rage. Not sure how she can’t feel it?
We get the cutaway of Peter and Garrett chatting. Both are disgusted by how fake Luke is, and both are also baffled as to how Hannah is unable to see how she’s being manipulated. It is a sad, uncomfortable state of affairs. Meanwhile, Luke tells Hannah that dealing with “all of the crap” (that’s 100% generated by him) has “made them stronger.” The monster is the one in the mirror, Luke.
Hannah and Garrett chat next, with Garrett confiding that he’s nervous and “hasn’t been sleeping much.” Hannah confronts Garrett about being “fake nice” to Luke. It’s called being a polite adult, but to Hannah and Luke it feels like Garrett has “been lying.” I’m with Garrett on this – acting like an adult should be a welcome trait and Hannah has me confused.
There is a fight over bologna, with Garrett and Luke locked in another round of he said/he said. Luke attempts to confide in Peter, which is hilarious because it looks like a kindergartener complaining to their teacher. Interesting though, in that even the ever-aggressive Luke considers Peter to be the alpha male. In other news, I’m guessing Luke won’t be flying Delta anytime soon?
Hannah and Peter get a (hot) moment alone. Peter says in a takeaway, “No way in hell is Luke going to tear down my girl today.” Cue heart melting. They have an adorable few minutes together. His heart is racing at the thought of introducing her to his family. That’s convenient, because she is excited to meet said family! He receives one of the two Date Roses available, but the real prize is getting excused early from this horrific date. That’s the real win.
Now it’s down to Garrett and Luke. You’d think this would be an easy choice, and if you were a person with intuition it would be. Unfortunately, that seems to be something Hannah lacks at the moment. (This is where I have to remind myself of Hannah’s age and the mistakes I was making around the same time. It’s excruciating to watch, and this detail is the only thing that makes it barely bearable. We all have to learn these lessons, and this is one of Hannah’s!)
Luke reiterates his “I was having too much sex in college until God told me to stop” story to Hannah. He is ashamed of chasing those “fleshly desires” and now only wants to bang in the marital bed. They connect over their shared faith and seal it with a kiss. I’m pretty sure God is adding, “This is not what I meant when I said, ‘Repent,’” to his Luke To Do List.
Garrett reveals to Hannah that he’s falling in love with her, but it’s too late. He’s been overly confident on the date and, if we all hadn’t seen the previews, we’d be right there with him in assuming he’s staying on. But we keep seeing the “teaser” where Luke slut shames Hannah, and that doesn’t happen this episode. So that means Luke keeps hanging around like the cockroach he is, while Garrett is escorted to the Depression Mobile. Garrett sagely notes, “Luke has schemed his way into Hometowns. He’s going to keep saying whatever Hannah wants to hear, and it’s going last for the rest of her life. She has no idea.” A chilling observation, for sure. Luke, to the bafflement of Twitter, is awarded the Date Rose.
It’s another round of, “What in the actual fuck, Hannah,” from both the men and the 5.2 million people watching this show as we’re forced to deal with baby fist Luke remaining in our midst. Hometowns will surely be interesting. What in the hell is Luke’s family like? God only knows – literally. The rest of the season continues to titillate, as Hannah reveals she’s slept with one of the finalists – twice – in a windmill. Now that sounds like an episode worth waiting for! See you next week with all the dirty deets, Rose peeps.
Be sure to join me for live-tweets during the show at JennaZine1 and check back here for weekly episode recaps! This post originally appeared on MovieBoozer – please visit them for all things fab about movies and more. 🙂